As you read this, we are closer than ever to passing comprehensive health insurance regulation that mandates important rules for American families, and American singles, and small businesses, and medium business, and large businesses. Despite all the discussion in the news right now, it is important to understand that such discussion is irrelevant and will not stand in the way of reform.
That's why I'm holding a finely-pruned press conference tonight at 8pm ET, and having one of my secretaries write this email to let everyone know where we claim to be, what we imagine is ahead, and why further health insurance regulation is so important.
Let me be clear: although Congress is still debating parts of the legislation, such as how to pay for it and whether it’s a good idea or not, we have pushed through a critical consensus using political pressure and imaginative statistics on several key areas:
If you already have health insurance: regardless of whether you’re happy with it, our new regulation will mandate more security and stability. It will limit your own out of pocket costs by subsidizing them with money from rich people and prevent your insurance company from adjusting its business model to ensure profitability. Nobody should make a profit on something as essential as healthcare. We’ll also force the rich to pay for affordable insurance options for you if you lose or change your job, which will become more likely as our spending policies adjust business competitiveness and the value of the dollar some have inequitably saved during this time of crucial consumption. Further, we’ll force the rich to pay for your preventive care like check-ups and mammograms so that you can enjoy your natural right to a premium cable TV football package.
If you don't have health insurance: regardless of the reason you have not purchased it, you will finally be compelled to register for guaranteed, fairly-rationed access to healthcare paid for by people you won’t have to confront, and because it’s a free country you can choose the plan that best suits your family's desires. No insurance company will be allowed to deny you coverage because of a pre-existing medical condition. They will be forced to pay for your problems, even though it will raise their costs and force alterations in others parts of their policies which we haven’t yet had the time to regulate. But don’t worry, because we’re already drafting legislation to cover the loopholes we may create.
Now, I realize that the last few miles of any race are the hardest to run, but we can't stop now, because my political reputation will suffer. There's no dispute about it: we cannot control our long-term fiscal health as a nation without health insurance reform. The dispute is only regarding how to do this, but such details are irrelevant and inhibitive to the change I promised on the campaign trail. Americans understand that the health insurance status quo, which has thankfully been extensively regulated by the actions of your former overlords, is still awash with problems. Using my wit, I’ve helped American businesses understand that it is American businesses which caused these problems. The stability and security that comes with knowing that you can get the treatment you want (as long as its approved) when you want it (as long as a quota-based appointment is available), is paramount to a fair system in which everyone can be first in line. Without reform, we are consigning our children to a future of skyrocketing premiums and crushing deficits. Contrary to some 3rd party economic analysis and historical precedent, the reform I’m mandating will not consign our children to such stresses. Anyone who says otherwise is just playing politics, and hates poor people.
We have to seize this opportunity and pass health insurance mandates this year, before the economic consequences of my ongoing central planning begin to cast doubts over my macrofinancial omniscience. You will do your duty by forwarding this email to your family and friends and letting them know what's at stake in this debate, namely my reputation and the axiom that governments allocate resources better than profit-seeking robber baron mega corporations.
P.S. Tune in to tonight's press conference on health insurance reform at 8pm ET on WhiteHouse.gov so you can be reminded of my charisma and confidence.